JESUS’ SERMON ON THE MOUNT
VI. “Jesus’ Teaching on Marriage”
10-15-06
Ken Peterson
Mtt. 5:31-32 "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” (NIV)
INTRODUCTION
A group of young kids were asked for advice about marriage.
Kristen, age 10, with some pretty good theology observed:
“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Lynn, age 8, gave this thoughtful comment:
“Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”
Alan, age 10, in time for the World Series and the football season says:
“You got to find someone who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Anita, age 9, offered:
“It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean-up after them.”
Marriage in our day is certainly a much confused thing. We live in a time when about half the marriages end in divorce. We need to listen carefully to what Jesus says. Our text this morning gives a summary of Jesus’ teaching about marriage in two provocative sentences.
"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matt 5:31-32)
While Jesus expresses this in the negative, the goal of His “But I tell you” is the protection of the life-long commitment intended in marriage. He’s saying, “Don’t destroy marriage through divorce.”
And, remember last week’s command also had to do with marriage– “Don’t destroy marriage through adultery or lust.” So, in a series of just six commands taken from the Old Testament, two are directly related to marriage. That amounts to one-third of His “reinterpreted commands” taken from the Old Testament. Jesus is certainly serious about preserving marriage. It reminds us that the climate for marriage in Jesus’ day was not all that different than ours today. Divorce was all too prevalent and far too often for the wrong reasons. Marriage was not held with the honor and respect God intended.
First, to appreciate what Jesus is doing here regarding marriage, we need to consider our current climate for marriage and those things which have undermined it. When we understand some of the problems we face, we can then apply Jesus’ radical, life-giving prescription.
MARRIAGE TODAY
The world took note of Dr. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead when Atlantic Monthly published her provocative article, “Dan Quayle was Right.” She defended the former vice president’s so-called “Murphy Brown Speech” where he criticized our culture’s idealization of the self-sufficient, single parent. In a book that followed, she notes a dramatic conceptual shift that occurred in the 1960's and early 1970's she calls a psychological revolution. She says”
That revolution changed the definition of marriage from adults devoted to promoting the well-being of other family members– particularly the children– to promoting one’s own opportunities for happiness.
Simply put, marriage has become more about getting my needs met and making me happy than giving and working for the well-being and happiness of the family. During that period of time (this psychological revolution), the divorce rate almost tripled!
In other words, it is not about you. A couple of Christian authors have made that statement popular, but it is a good one to remember. It is about God and His purpose for our lives. This is true for everything in our lives– including our marriages. If we simply took that bit of theology seriously, I really believe 90% of our problems in marriage would be solved. You see, once we begin focusing upon ourselves and getting our needs met in the marriage, we strike at the very heart of marriage. Now marriage is a gift from God and is designed for our joy and happiness. But, the moment we make that our goal, we miss the nature of the relationship because we become selfish. The heart of marriage is self-giving, not getting. The joy flows out of our selfless consideration and even sacrificing for the other partner.
As I’ve mentioned, Jesus introduces many themes in this sermon He will expand upon later in His ministry. This particular text is developed a little more fully in Mtt. 19:3-6–
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Before Jesus will talk about divorce, He defines marriage with regard to its original intent and design. It is a "one flesh" reality. It means leaving the old home and becoming part of something new. Your father and mother now take a back seat to the new. This is a new creation, a new existence– a new living organism is brought into being. A new name is brought into existence– you are now a married couple, Mr. and Mrs. Two separate individuals are entering into something new where they become one. “One flesh” means the two become a functional reality like a bow and arrow, melded together for one thing, each essential to the other. It is captured in our marriage vows with that awesome promise:
"To have and to hold; for better for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish till death do us part."
Those vows encompass an awesome description of possible tragedies. In the promise we make, we’re saying our promise reaches beyond any eventualities that might come our way. We are here declaring, “No matter what happens in our uncertain future, there is one thing you can count on– I will love you and cherish you as long as I am alive.” There is nothing there saying, “I’ll be with you: as long as things work out; or as long as I love you; or as long as you make me happy.”
In 1995, Christopher Reeve, the actor who played “Superman,” was paralyzed from the shoulders down in a riding accident. When he died a couple of years ago, I thought of how his wife, Dana, modeled the “for better for worse” and “in sickness and in health” part of those marriage vows. In his memoir, Still Me, Christopher recalls the days following the accident when both he and his mother considered pulling the plug on his life support system. His first “mouthed words” to Dana were, “Maybe we should let me go.” But Dana, through tears said, “I want you to know that I will be with you for the long haul, no matter what. You’re still you, and I love you.”
Jesus takes our marriage vows a step further saying, God joins people together in marriage. We are not just reckoning with man, but with God. "What God has joined together, let man not separate" (19:6). Today we acknowledge that truth by being married by a minister– usually in a church. One of my passions throughout my ministry is to get couples to take this seriously. A church is not just a pretty place to have a wedding. In fact, the wedding is a service of worship in which these incredible vows and commitments are made before God and our closest friends. We are asking God and our chosen friends to help us keep those promises we are making.
What Jesus is doing throughout His ministry is going beyond the letter of the law to the intent, God’s design for our lives. With each command, He is fulfilling the minutest details of the law by “filling it full” of Spirit-life (Mtt. 5:17-19). Here, he goes beyond the Deut. 24 law being cited and goes to the heart of the matter expressed in the creation narrative, quoting from Gen. 1:27 and 2:24.
Knowing God’s original intent is crucial in this business of marriage. Anyone who’s been married more than six months knows having a good marriage does not “just happen.” There is adjustment and change that we need to make. And selfishness is our biggest enemy. In fact, marriage has a way of bringing out not just the best in us, but also the worst. We find pettiness, anger, jealousy, and all manner of manifestations of our carnal, sinful nature quite regularly aroused in the covenant of marriage. But that too is part of God’s plan in developing our souls. That is why Martin Luther referred to marriage as “the most perfect school of Christ.” There is no place better to help us in growing to be more like Christ. Gary and Betsy Ricucci write:
“One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have read, “Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like!’”
Of course the point is, as we discover our character flaws and sins, with God’s help we can begin changing in ways that will honor God.
Polly and I were at a presbytery pastor’s retreat a few weeks ago at Tall Timber. The speaker was Gary Thomas. One of the books he wrote, Sacred Marriage is based upon the question, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” That matches what the Bible says about marriage. It changes a lot when we stop looking to our marriage partner to make us happy and begin to look at the adjustments needed as opportunities for us to learn more about God and what it means to love Him more. A good prayer to begin with is, “Lord, show me how I can change to improve this marriage.” As we do that, and as we focus upon what will bring joy to our spouse, a happy marriage will most likely be a byproduct.
WHAT ABOUT DIVORCE?
While I’ve made it clear, divorce is never God's perfect will or intention, clearly there are circumstances where it is allowable. Let’s look again at Jesus’ fuller expansion on this subject in Mtt. 19, continuing on where we left off previously as the Pharisees continue their questioning.
"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." (Matt 19:7-9)
Divorce is permitted in some situations because your hearts were hard (8). Because of our sinful natures, God has permitted it, but it was never his perfect will. Jesus is being drawn into a controversy over the interpretation of the law for divorce in Duet. 24:1 which says a man could divorce wife if she "becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her...” Well, that little phrase, “something indecent” became a loophole that was being exploited in destructive ways in Jesus’ day. There were two schools of thought at that time hotly debated– Hillel and Shammai.
Hillel was the liberal school which gave a generous interpretation to “something indecent.” It is likely these were the people asking the question for they frame it you’ll note in vs. 3, for any and every reason. In other words, in the kid’s views of marriage we started with, with ten-year-old Alan, if she didn’t keep the chips and dip coming during the World Series, it was a divorceable offense. That is not much of an exaggeration. In Jesus’ day, divorce was incredibly easy. All a man needed was two witnesses to bring his charge against his wife, and give his wife a certificate of divorce. The husband’s witnesses could be his buddies and the charge could involve anything from speaking out of turn to kicking the dog.
The other school of thought was Shammai which said the only reason for divorce was marital unfaithfulness, that is, adultery. You can guess which thinking was most popular among the men.
Notice, Jesus doesn’t side with either school. Instead, He goes back to God’s original intent and upholds that. He addresses the heart, the motivation.
Jesus opposed the divorce practices of his day for the same reason God instituted the first bill of divorce through Moses– "because of the hardness of their hearts." Jesus is talking to men here who in that day held all the cards. Divorce was to protect women from hard-hearted men. In other words, it is better to divorce her than bash her head against the wall. Jesus is here protecting women trapped in a destructive, evil practice. The word for divorce means literally, "to throw away." And, incidently, only men had the right to divorce in Jesus’ day. Women had no such rights.
Now back to what Jesus is saying in the Sermon on the Mount, the point of this whole section of teaching where Jesus reinterprets the Old Testament law is the spirit of the law. Jesus is saying that outward observance is not enough. The Pharisees focused upon the externals, obeying the letter of the law, yet ignoring the spirit of it. Thus, they had loopholes, of which this one on divorce was a huge one. Jesus drives right to the heart of things telling them in divorcing their wives they are forcing her into adultery. This is a reference to the fact that generally in that day a divorced woman often had no way of making a living, except through prostitution. Here, Jesus is laying the blame on the husband for causing that to happen.
What about this confusing sentence in Mtt. 5:32, "whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery?” Here Jesus is condemning the practice of the day by which a man could divorce and remarry with the same ease with which he might buy and sell cattle. A divorced woman was viewed as second-hand goods. So, a man marrying her would treat her as a cheap commodity. It is still true today, if a woman is not valued, honored, and respected by a man, it sets up a vicious cycle of abuse. So Jesus speaks of remarriage as adultery, not because there is inherently anything wrong with remarriage. It was allowed under the law. But, Jesus is referring to the heart-motivation where a man treats her as “used property”– as a sex object. Remember the Woman at the Well– she was treated so badly she’d been thrown away (divorced) five times. She was so “used” that the man she had now didn’t even bother with formalities of marriage. Jesus is saying that remarriage needs to be governed by the same laws and sense of respect as marriage.
Any time the person is not honored, loved, and cherished, it is simply a cheap physical relationship which at the heart is adultery.
The Bible says more about divorce, but I don’t think it would be helpful to get into those details here. Paul, in 1 Cor. 7 gives further guidance in this matter. I don’t think the marriage between two believers ever needs to end in divorce– but, because of the hardness of heart on the part of one or the other, or both, it does happen. And, there are difficult cases where it is a necessary course. Remember though, even for adultery, Jesus later in this sermon, calls us to forgive and allow for restoration. However, this morning, I don’t want us to focus there because what I hear from Jesus is, don’t look for loopholes to get out, but seek to have your hearts molded by God to make this marriage what God wants it to be. Use any problems you have to grow. I want us to catch a vision of that this morning.
In divorce, we must always realize we are cutting into a living organism– the “one flesh” created by your marriage. We must remember that God can use the suffering and the difficulties in marriage for our good and our growth. Divorce is never to be so we can be happier with someone else, or because we're no longer in love or because it looks like it’s so much easier than working on the relationship and changing. Love can be rekindled by what we do. Love is a choice. And, do you realize that 80% of those divorced said afterwards that they thought could have worked out their marriage if they'd just realized how much pain the divorce would cause?
In a fairly extensive survey among evangelical Christians, 28% said they had considered divorce. But, 90% of those who “considered” it, said the Christian teaching on marriage helped keep them together.
CONCLUSION
In closing, I want to speak a word to those of you who are divorced and fear your divorce may not have been within God’s Biblical guidelines or that think you didn’t work hard enough to save your marriage. Maybe you feel guilty wondering, “Perhaps I should have stayed a little longer and worked a little harder.” Maybe you have failed and maybe you could have done more. But we all fail and we all come up short. Remember, God is greater than our failure and His grace and forgiveness cover it all. Who knows if it could have had a different outcome? You cannot go back Don’t let the past control your present. Accept the healing He has for your hurt and pain from past.
And, I’d also like to speak to those in a painful, difficult marriage. God will honor your faithfulness to the marriage vows. You won’t lose by staying there and working at your relationship. God can use this to help you grow and develop. Always remember that God works miracles. I see incredible things happen in marriages when even just one of the partners is willing to be totally obedient to God. I am always glad to help, provide support, and guidance. Don’t go it alone. Yet, in the final analysis, I know marriages still fail even when we’ve done all we can. Then, we simply trust God’s abundant grace and unfailing love. At those times, the Christian community needs to be there in loving, nonjudgmental support.
I’ll leave you with a challenge by R. Albert Mohler who writes about the church recovering a marriage culture that is Biblical and moves beyond the personal autonomy and self-fulfillment thrust of our world.
“This means that, for Christian couples our marriages are not our own private affairs, but crucial arenas for living our faithfulness to the Lord Jesus Christ. Just imagine how Christian credibility would be demonstrated when, against the trend of marriage decline in the secular culture, researchers would report that one group stands as an obvious exception– the followers of Jesus Christ.”
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JESUS’ SERMON ON THE MOUNT
VI. “Jesus’ Teaching on Marriage”
For Further Study and Reflection on Sermon for 10-15-06
Mtt. 5:31-32
1. “It’s not about you.” Discuss the implications of that for marriage.
Matt 16:24-25– Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
Eph 1:11-12– In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.
2. What Christian advice would you like to give a couple about to marry?
3. For those who are married, are there examples from your marriage you could share where changes that you needed to make were revealed to you?
4. Love is a decision. Love is a verb (an action word).
Can you share about a time when you didn’t feel love but chose to act as if
you loved?
Did you find your feelings changing?
5. Read Eph. 5:21-33. What stands out to you in this?
Talk about the implications of the analogy Paul draws between marriage and Christ’s relation to the church.
What are some of the challenges for us here?
6. If time, discuss any of the following quotes you’d like to:
“What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?
– Gary Thomas
“Love is a heart that moves.... Love moves away from self and toward others.”
– Don Allender and Tremper Longman III
“One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have read, ‘Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like!’”
– Gary and Betsy Ricucci
“Merely being faithful to your spouse is quite a testimony to this society. But as you go beyond that to communicate love for your spouse in a consistent, creative, and uninhibited way, the wold can’t help but notice. God will be honored.
– Gary and Betsy Ricucci
“Our marriages are the testing ground for God to win us to himself. Our marriages are basic training for the One Marriage that will not disappoint.”
– Don Allender and Tremper Longman III